|
Make it your bible, bubba
How to Woo a Middle-aged Iranian Woman
By Azam Nemati
I have observed a trend for the past few years and
secretly had wished it would be successful. However, I have realized
it is not as successful as I want it to be. So I decided to pay my dues
and put my wealth of knowledge acquired by years of listening to Iranian
women complaints about how clueless our counterparts are to good use.
Let me explain what I am talking about.
 There
has been a rapid rise in the number of Iranian men divorcing their non-Iranian
spouses and as we all tend to go back to our roots, these men have been
longing and trying to find an Iranian mate.
This is the voice of experience because I have been approached by a
number of forty-something educated, successful, divorced Iranian men
who had been married to a non-Persian before. They attempted to persuade
me and failed miserably. These men could not understand why I would
not jump at the opportunity. The reason is simple; they bombed at trying
to impress me.
I really want to see more union of "us" so I decided to simplify
the matters for my dear Iranian brothers out there. I have simplified
the task by separating it into various stages and two simple categories
of "do"s and "don't"s in order to make you hopefully
remember the dos.
I had my reasons to do this. One reason was to show all of those ignorant
readers that call me angry that -- on the contrary -- I am quite happy.
I also wanted the wonderful men who were baffled by my rejection to
understand where they went wrong. I bet you did not know that I am quite
compassionate and sweet besides being independent and outspoken. (I
left "beautiful and smart" off this article so the homely
dames out there won't be all bothered!)
So my brothers forget all the rules of romance you have learned and
do not think for a second that you know "how to romance a woman"
just because you had few of those women who would settle for anything
spend Saturday night alone.
Look at it this way, think about your political knowledge of the world
outside the Middle East, and then think of the politics and your view
of the Middle East. Pretty complicated! Exactly my point. Start fresh
and read these steps. Make it your bible. You will thank me someday.
Stage one
You have met one of us middle-aged Iranian baby boomers at a function
and want to ask us for a date.
Do not stare and do not be over aggressive. We don't want fast talkers
and Slick Wiley's.
Do look at us with enough interest mixed with a tiny bit of longing,
especially if a beautiful Iranian song is played in the background.
Pay attention to the words and when you hear the words that touch your
heart gently close your eyes showing us you feel the words. If you don't
know what I am talking about your beyond help and don't bother dreaming
about a Persian Princess.
Do ask us general questions and talk about your quest to find an Iranian
princess.
Do tell us nicely that you would love to have dinner with us provided
we grant you the honor. Make sure you use the word honor in Farsi.
Now you have gotten our permission to call us for a date.
Do call at the designated time.
Don't play games and pretend you forgot when you were supposed to call.
Do not say any words in English. Do not talk about what you do or anything
that shows you are trying to appear very important.
Do sound sincere and indicate what you liked about us in the brief meeting
you had. Make sure it was something such as personality, the warmth
of dealing with people or anything that shows you were observant.
Warning: Do not tell us that you want a date because we are attractive
or have a great body! Shallow minds come in shallow bodies!
Also remember that the scoreboard in our mind is working and you are
getting scores that are either negative or positive.
Do not ever say you do not like Iranian food. Do not try to impress
us by suggesting some outrageous food like frog legs (we know it tastes
like chicken but we still do not want to eat it. Thanks) or snake soup.
Stage two
You have set a date and here is what you need to know.
Do not just buy a bouquet of roses for us.
Do show you care and ask the florist to place some beautiful flowers
that remind us of Iran to be mixed into the bouquet. Freesias are heavenly
and remind us of Iran when we were teenagers.
Do listen to some good Iranian music and select some to play in your
car when you pick us up. Use those that have beautiful and romantic
words and can be related to. I suggest Moin's "Meeparastam"
(I worship) and Omid's latest CD, "Victory".
Do not wear common cologne that a bimbo in the mall convinced you to
buy (Polo is an absolute no no). Do wear a hint of clean scent and put
a dab in the palm of your hands. You should know why.
Do not wear any gold chains, bracelets, and rings because you would
look like a pimp. Very tacky. Also, do not wear a Rolex or any other
high-end watch. That indicates you are newly arrived and desperately
trying to appear rich.
Helpful hint: Really wealthy people don't give a damn about what others
think and they do not wear expensive watches either. Do wear a simple
watch and a nice cotton shirt (preferably long sleeve so you can leave
a lot to imagination) with no logos on the outside. Pay attention here.
Do not show up with perfectly manicured hands. Clear polish would turn
us off. We want to be the pretty one and we like our Iranian men just
showered, shaven (a trim beard like Sattar's is okay and for some of
us it is sexy and exudes raw sensuality.)
Do make sure your nails are short and your hands are smooth.
Stage three
You are at our place to pick us up.
Do not be late. When you arrive do not say hello or any greetings in
English. Do say greetings in Farsi and extend your hand to shake ours.
Present the flowers and say the Persian expression "You are a flower
yourself but I brought these for you." Practice before saying it
to us.
Once we take the flowers from you and go in search of a vase to place
them in, come in and make yourself comfortable.
Do not stare at anything and do not overly admire any aspect of our
place.
Do express what you like about our place in a sincere way. For example
you can say that the paintings remind you of your house in Iran or you
like the Iranian art.
Warning: Don't ever say anything like, "I do not like Iranian art"
or "my ex had this picture or that piece of furniture".
Stage four
We are on way to have dinner.
Do not run ahead of us.
Do open the door and wait until we are in the car then close the car
door.
Do not turn on the radio.
Do tell us what CD or tapes you have and play what we ask or simply
play the music you have chosen with meaningful Farsi words.
Do not talk about your work and how much money you make or how sensitive
your position is because you don't know anything about our work and
income.
Do talk in general about living in the US and what you feel you are
missing in your life.
Stage five
We are at the restaurant to eat.
Do not order wines you cannot even pronounce.
Do ask us to order first and whether we like to have a drink or not.
Do not swallow your food quickly and do not wipe your plate with pieces
of bread.
Do eat slowly and listen to what we say.
Warning: You need to develop a third ear when dating an Iranian because
we would question you indirectly to make sure you were paying attention!
Get use to this and become good at it!
Stage six
The date is over and you drive us back to our place.
Do not ask to come in for a nightcap.
Do say you had a great time and you realize we have a busy day on Sunday
so you would like to wish us good night.
Do not try to hug or kiss us. We like to build anticipation and like
to think you value yourself. We also love men that are shy and innocent.
Yes, throw away your Western "how to" book that are for boring
and very predictable playboy types. We have few of them as friends and
we find them "used" and unromantic.
Do extend your hand to shake ours. You can also gently kiss our fingers.
But do not go any further.
Sate seven
The next day after the initial date:
Do not call and try to sound overly enthusiastic. Do not exaggerate
about your impression of us.
Do be honest and state whether you want to see us again or not.
Great hint: Make a lot of notes about your first date with us. Write
down the smallest details. If we end up becoming your soul mate you
can surprise us by showing us what you wrote and we would think you
are wonderful and be really touched.
Stage eight
We are dating you!
Do not ever mention your ex and what she looked like. If you ever say
something that indicates she was beautiful or smart we have our ways
of finding out and God help you if we find out she was homely and raggedy.
We would bring it up and make fun of you every chance we get. We will
rub her imperfections all over your face. If she were as great as you
say then why couldn't she find someone equally great from her own culture?
Perhaps because the men from her culture were smarter than you were?
Warning: Do not tell us your previous 30-year-old Iranian girl friend
was a gynecologist making half a mil a year. Remember we have friends
in all professions and know the average OBGYN does not make even half
of that, besides Iranian women who are doctors always look for another
doctor. You will look pathetic trying to impress us.
Do mention what you did not like in your previous relationships and
we are reasonable enough not to repeat them for you.
Great tip: Try to block the past. Your life was meaningless because
you were in search of your other half from your own blood and were born
to the same mother. The Motherland!
Do not ever buy any perfume or color that reflects your ex in them.
A man once gave me an expensive perfume that his big, fat, White-trash
flame had liked. I opened the bottle with tremendous joy and said, "This
is your dream of being with me?" I then poured the content in the
toilet bowl and said: That is your dream going down the toilet. He left
and never showed his face again.
Do pay attention to what we like and buy it for us.
Do not call us ten times a day asking us what we are doing.
Do call and say you just missed us and wanted to hear our voice.
Don't ever ask where we have been or whom we have been with. Mistrust
is detrimental in a relationship. We would tell you what we want you
to know.
Do tell us that you were simply worried because you did not hear from
us for such a long period of time.
Warning: Never call us "honey", "babe", or "sweetheart".
Those are meaningless and tell us that you use to call someone those
words. We want to be the only one who ever captured your heart. What
you had with the "babe" was a convenient and mutually agreeable
affair. What you are experiencing now is love and you should know because
our sexy and soulful gazes melt your heart and you want to hold us and
smother us with kisses. You don't just want someone to have sex with.
Do address us with beautiful words in Farsi such as "azizam"
or "joone delam".
Stage nine
Your hard work has paid off and you are going to experience being with
someone of your own kind. You are going to the Motherland!
Do not go overboard trying too hard to give us the message that you
have gotten to know us and now you really want to know us in a more
intimate setting.
Do suggest making us dinner to see what a great chef you are. Then go
to work on setting the right mood. Make sure you buy ingredients for
our favorite dish, which by now you should know what it is. Have some
nice selection of good Iranian music for various stages.
Select a few nice poems (preferably from our favorite poet) to read
for us.
Do not forget to buy a few bunches of Freesias or Hyacinths to fill
the air with the intoxicating scent and spare no expense in buying some
beautiful smelling candles (I recommend buying aromatherapy with essential
oils). Try finding the ones with the fragrance of Freesias or Hyacinths.
Play something beautiful with lyrics that take us back to the homes
in the old country. I suggest Shahram Nazeri's Keesh-e Mehr.
Do tell us that we are the "Queen of the Night" and should
just watch you serve us.
After dinner has been finished and you have put the dishes away, make
some Persian tea and place an instrumental Iranian music CD in the CD
player.
Helpful hint: You should know our favorite Iranian instrument and buy
some CDs by the master of that particular instrument. If we like the
violin, then buy from masters like Yahaghi, Malek, Adhami. If you are
not sure then send me an email telling me what instrument and I will
tell you what to buy. I have great taste and am very knowledgeable about
all types of Iranian music because I listen to it.
Do not tell us that you prefer coffee but have made the tea just for
us. Do tell us you love tea and it reminds you of home. Bring the tea
and place it in front of us. We find it very sexy when an Iranian man
serves us. It feels empowering because our mothers served our fathers
for too long and we found it nauseating. Now we are making our mothers
proud of us.
Do pick up the poetry book and read the selected poems you had marked
in advance for us. Make sure periodically to make eye contact especially
if the words convey loving messages. You better know what I mean or
you are in trouble.
Warning: If you are not good at this art or have a bad voice, skip this
step.
Do not ask if we are bored. We are being entertained and loving every
moment of it.
Do place a nice and slow rhythm song for slow dance. I suggest "booy-e
gandom" by Dariush.
Do not grab our hand or pull us to dance.
Do ask us to dance and gently walk us to the spot where we can dance.
Do not grab on any body parts or try to press yourself against us.
Do keep a bit of a distance and keep eye contact. Place your hand under
our chin and gently squeeze our chin or chick. Then place our head on
your chest and softly kiss the crown of our head.
Continue to kiss our hair and gently push the strands back. If you have
nice voices sing along with the singer.
Once the song is finished do not ask us to go to the bedroom with you.
Do tell us that you have waited all your life for us and are willing
to wait for the rest of your life. Tell us that you want to make sure
we want to be with you as well. Pay attention for our nodding of the
head or simply saying "I want to be with you" as well.
Do not grab our hand and pull us towards your bedroom.
Do hug us gently and then hold our face in your hands and simply look
at us with yearning.
Then hold our hand kiss it and slowly lead us to the bedroom.
Stage ten
You are ready to make love to us.
Do not attack us and do not make strange noises.
Do be gentle and look into our face first and slowly go for the important
step.
Helpful hint: Do you remember as a child when you went to the holy shrines
you were told to kiss every part to be rewarded? Think of our bodies
as a holy shrine. Kiss every part and you will be rewarded in a big
way!
Do not say any words in English and do not ask us any stupid questions
about what we want. We are extremely intelligent and know what we want.
We have given you indirect hints throughout our courtship and will continue
to do so.
Warning: If due to nervousness or overexcitement you cannot perform
do not curse or make excuses. We understand. You have being going to
boring amusement parks and now you are at the gates of a Persian monument.
It is quite overwhelming. Our beautiful and sensual gaze can completely
throw you off balance.
Do smile and say, "I'm nervous." We won't think any less of
you. In fact we will come to the rescue. I promise.
Do not ever ask "did you come"? The cars you drove in the
past had poor engines with high mileage because of wear and tear due
to being driven by various drivers for many years. The car you are riding
now is a luxury car, driven only on a special occasions, therefore,
the engine is in good shape. Besides we are not with you for the sake
of being with a man or to make us feel wanted. We are with you because
we want you.
Do look into our eyes and gently kiss our face (never the eyes because
it causes separation, yes that is a superstition but it is true).
Do not say stupid things like "I have to pee" or "have
to go to the boy's room." That is so unromantic. Do simply say
"excuse me, I will be right back."
Do not say anything that shows you are comparing us to your ex. That
shows lack of class and taste.
Do tell us honestly how we made you feel. We know because we are at
"home" too.
Stage eleven
The next day and during the period before you ask us to be your life
partner:
Do not wait for us to wake up.
Do get up before us, take a shower, and make breakfast. Remember your
mission is to convince us that you are the man of our dreams. Do not
blow your nose or spit (at least make sure we can not hear you).
Warning: If you see us wake up at dawn to meditate and pray do not say,
"Do you still believe in God"? That is an ignorant and disrespectful
remark. Be respectful and marvel at the fact we have a spiritual side.
You never know when you can benefit from it.
Do not think now you have us and can stop being good.
Do continue to remember how we fill the emptiness of your heart and
whenever you think about us and hear our voice talking to you in words
that touch your heart. Continue to romance us. Read poems to us and
use them to express yourself. We love men that can read poetry especially
if they have big, sexy Iranian eyes and a head full of grey hair. A
deep Iranian voice reading poetry makes us lose our willpower.
Do not ever make negative statements about Iran or tell us you do not
care. That will put a wall between us.
Do tell us periodically that you love Iran and miss it. Remember one
of the reasons we want to be with an Iranian man is the fact that we
dream about going home and walking along the Caspian shores and visiting
all the beautiful places in the Motherland. You understand our feelings
and we do not have to explain anything to you.
Let me tell you that we fantasize about waking up in Noshahr along the
Caspian in March, intoxicated with the smell of orange blossoms. Walking
in Kashan and feeling drunk from the fragrance of roses. Going to the
countryside, sitting by the little brook and watching the birds fly.
We want to go to the south and watch the sunset behind the majestic
palm trees. We want to sit under the willow and sycamore trees and inhale
the fragrance of home. Remember these helpful words.
Stage twelve
You have realized you cannot live without us and want us in your life.
Do not say, "I have to talk to my parents."
Do make sure to check with everyone that matters to you. That includes
your nanny in Iran and your uncle's neighbors and your mother's friends.
If they disapprove of us then don't even bother. We do not want to waste
our precious time cultivating their approval. We want a real man who
makes his own decisions and knows what he wants. If you are not our
kind of man then ask your mom and her friends to find you a virginal
gold digger in search of a Green Card.
Do not ever use the word "wife" or "husband". The
word "wife" reminds us of our mothers serving our fathers
all their lives and having no choices or important tasks other than
being a house keeper, baby factory or personal maids to our fathers.
Do use the word "shareeke zendegi" (life partner) constantly.
That should be the way you think of us because we are intelligent, independent
and capable of making decisions.
Stage thirteen
We have accepted your proposal and agreed to be your life partner.
Do not say, "We are too old to have a wedding."
Do ask what we want. In our hearts we are the teenagers we once were
and you are the boy we always looked for. We are never too old to hear
"ey yaar mobaark baadaa."
Do not think now you own us and can treat us as if we are your possession.
That will kill the relationship.
Do think you have found the girl of your dreams and you will always
treat her like she is your lover and friend, not your housekeeper.
Do not say, "We don't need a honeymoon" or anything that shows
you are cheap. Remember now we are going to contribute financially to
this relationship as well.
Do suggest some place romantic (preferably in Iran if we can go). Do
let go of all your inhibitions because you are with someone from your
own heritage and you can express your feelings in a beautiful language
that comes naturally to you.
Warning: Do not ever say, "What's for dinner"? We will hate
you. Instead say let's go out because you have had a tough day or better
yet say: "Go relax and I will make something for us." We would
love you and make sure to reward you for being wonderful. It is the
gesture that shows you care. A salad is fine.
Do not ever tell us we have gained weight or point out any of our flaws.
As God is our witness we will find ten more faults with you and point
them out.
Do treat us like your friend all the time and never think we are too
old for any adventure (jumping from the airplane is out of the question
for those of us with fear of heights). Any other reasonable adventure
that does not involve drugs, booze, or immorality is fine.
Do not limit buying presents to special occasions. That is sad and boring
and makes us resentful.
Do buy small gifts of items we like to show that you remember our favorite
things and by all means buy us flowers to show us that we are the flower
tat gives your life meaning. I promise for every small loving gesture
you give us, we would surprise you in a way that shows our unique imagination
and ingenuity.
Do not ever become a couch potato because it will break our heart.
Do pursue good hobbies such as reading and do discuss the subject matter
with us. If your mate is as well read as I am make sure not to exaggerate
because she will catch you.
Warning: Do not ever think you can stare at a young half-naked blonde
under your lashes. That is disrespectful and shows lack of dignity.
We despise flirts.
Do remember that we are the ones that unconditionally love you because
you are our "own". You are from our homeland so being with
you is like being home.
Additional life-saving tips
Never ask us: "Is this silk?" We hate to know that you do
not know the difference. Here is a helpful hint. Kiss our body with
clothes on then breathe into the fabric. If your face gets hot because
your breath just hits you in the face, that indicates Polyester (synthetic).
If your breath goes through the fabric then that is silk. Start learning
about various types of silks (drop me a note and I can educate you since
I only buy silk materials.)
NEVER tell us that you had phone sex with someone 15 years your junior,
who told you about her implants and cute butt, and the fact that you
told her you were a gynecologist. The wimpy Iranian women would loose
respect for you. The proud and unforgiving ones like me will cut their
heart with you in it and throw it in the garbage. We could not bear
our pride constantly reminding us every second that we have been with
a pervert.
Our pride is more important than any man. Remember that. It does not
matter that she was the one calling you. That will be an insult to our
intelligence. We want our men with high ethics and morals. Someone who
would have said to the caller she should not be sending her provocative
pictures to strangers or talk about personal thinks such as their rear
ends or implants. Also, there are too many perverts and rapists out
there and she could get hurt. Then never speak to her again. Now that's
a good Iranian man.
Never at any point pull a Q-Tip from your ear to show us what you have
on it. Never pick your nose and never fart. No matter how close and
comfortable you feel around us, always treat us with the respect and
loving that you lavished upon us while dating. We would do the same.
Talk to anyone with a successful relationship and they will confirm
my statements. Hope you find these simple steps very helpful and finally:
Do not send me stupid emails telling me you are very happy with the
non-Iranian partner of yours. Good for you and don't you for a second
think that I care (you probably think Texas barbecue sauce tastes the
same as Khoresh Fesenjoon too). This is for the smart Iranian men who
have the freedom to start over in life and this time they want to hear
"ghorboonet beram" not "I love you", which they
also hear being told to the cat and dog and everything else. We do not
use such heartfelt words unless we feel them and mean them.
Do send Iranian.com a big check for giving you the chance to learn so
many valuable lessons that could make you a happy man, with a passionate,
and full of surprises love affair, forever.
I promise.
First published by http:// www.iranian.com
22. Dezember 2002
Leserbrief
|
